This is a very personal post. It talks about my recovery, my personal story. Hope you'll be inspired and you'll also learn from my story. :)
One cannot simply
fathom such moment when one is fired up with lots of questions in his/her mind
on how his/her life is going on. It’s not as easy as one plus one as what we
have first learned in Preparatory School, not as simple as opening a nutshell
then putting nuts in your mouth, not as silly as cracking the oldest yet the
funniest joke in town but rather, it is something profound and way too
personal.
What would you do if
one day, you suddenly realized that you are actually not dealing with life and
living it in the right way and most especially in accordance to the will of
God? I was bummed with lots of questions in my mind. Events from the past kept
on rushing in my head and time after time, they finally took me to a very dark
place where no one can even hear my loudest scream. I tried to defeat them, yet
they kept me wide awake every time I attempted to. I tried to forget about them
but the deed just made the matters worse. I gave my very best to resolve such
nightmare from the past but then again they seem not cooperating. What I did
not know that a result would be losing the tiny pieces that compose myself. It
followed somewhat. I lost trust in myself. I temporarily bid goodbye to my
dreams. I can no longer hope for a sweet future. I hate my mistakes. I was
drowned by my imperfections. I don’t know how to make other people happy. I can
no longer convince myself that everything will be all right. In short, I was
wrapped with fears brought about my past. I can’t present myself to God. I
don’t know how to explain to everyone what I am going through. I was no longer
the person I used to be or did this happen to make me realize that I wasn't even true to myself anymore?
I started writing
again just today. I don’t know why but the past days or the past months, I just didn't have the audacity to release my thoughts. I can’t even face my feelings,
my ideas, my thoughts and even my every day dreams. What a disheartening
scenario indeed.
One fact I know
right from that very scenario-I wasn't in touch with my authentic self. I lost
the knot that tied me to the reality. I let go of the rope connecting me to
myself, to my family, to my friends, to the people around me and most of all,
the rope that connects me to God. I became bitter with how I dealt with my day
to day life. I am happy for some time and then I get deeply sad the next hours
or even days. I no longer enjoy the simple things that gave me fulfillment. My
mind went blank. In short, I became a lifeless person.
After a couple of
months wherein I rested and just do random things or even not doing anything at
all, I came to understand that sometimes, you don’t learn from your mistakes
and I myself am the perfect example for that. I thought pretending to be strong
is the ideal way to deal with heartaches, problems and issues about myself but
actually the first step is to make myself equipped with what I am about to go
through. I sometimes suppressed my feelings or at times I open them at the
wrong time, wrong place, wrong situation and wrong people. I then said to
myself that an experience isn’t enough not until you will finally learn its
lesson. When one keeps on repeating mistakes, it means that the lesson wasn’t
applied in real life at all. Again, I am the perfect example for that.
“Self-improvement is unending task, kalaban mo ang sarili mo”, as what a
personality said in a TV commercial. I know I made mistakes before. I forgot my
priorities. I pretty messed up. Some lessons were learned, some were forgotten.
Some were not applied in reality. But as long as I am still breathing, I know I
can make a change. I know I can fix myself. I know I can manage to move on in
my life and open a brand new beginning.
If the past months I
became a pessimist, now I look forward for a sweet future. It’s now time to
stand up and continue the fight; the moment to go for my dreams; the point in
time to correct my mistakes; the occasion to be happy again by embracing the
fullness of life.
I will be forever
grateful to my family for not giving up on me in my journey of finding my real
self again. The first week, I was so hard to deal with because according to my
father, I don’t talk that much and I was putting a frown face all the time. I
barely eat and always wanted to sleep but he was always there. He managed the
intake of my medicines, my meal and snacks. My mother on the other hand was
also very patient with me. She slept with me every night and when I cannot
sleep past midnight, she gave me my medicine. My Ate N has also played a big
part in my recovery. During those times wherein I was so anxious to go out and
see the outside world, she provided me with the prescribed medicines. She also
bought us grocery every month. She called everyday to check us especially me.
Sometimes, I took her calls, sometimes I became hesitant to talk. I am also
thankful to my other sister, Bhan because she dealt with me with utmost understanding and care. Many were those times I didn't answer her calls because
I didn't know what to say but she never gave up. I didn't go with my parents
when they visited her in the training camp but she still managed to forgive me.
During those times, they were the significant people in my life including my
little brother who is always with us. Albeit there were those times I didn't even appreciate the things they are all doing for me, they stretched their
understanding for me and even poured out their great love and accepted me for
what I am and for who I am. But most of all, I am thankful to God above for
loving me just as I am and for reminding me that I am a work in progress. God
made things possible for me. And for that, I will always be grateful, yes I
will.
To all my friends
especially my truest friends, first of all I want to say I am very sorry. I
disconnected my channel of communication with you because honestly, I don’t
know what to say before or even how to talk to you when you ask me if how I am
doing. If there is a word for it, it would be emotionless. I was at that stage
in the first two months. I turned my phone off and I no longer open my facebook
account. I know, I didn't even greet some of you in your very special day-your
birthdays and for that, I am sorry. I regretted the things I did but now, what
I regret the most are the things I did NOT do. What I am about to do now is to
make it up to you guys. I didn’t leave you, I just have to find my authentic
self in order for me to be the person you once knew again or even a better
person this time. Some of you may understand me, some may leave me after
knowing my story, some may befriend me but it’s now okay with me for now is the
time to live life by the lessons I have learned.
Ate Cherry, Aynd
Jheau, Jared, Julie Ann, Carla, Shanel, Janeizza, Shelina, Loisa Mae, Kathleen
Caye, Leslie Dianne, Lyka Germaine, Mia
Gritz, Maureen P., Maureen E., Claudine, Caroline, Philline, Zenybelle. The
Francess, Wakwak, Buddy, Geng, Adik, Mama, Mrs. Cullen, Crab, Seatmate,
Kring-kring, Uyab and Kabit you’ve known is now alive! Heeeee. I now realized
that in this course called life; I don’t need too many friends but only those
friends who will stand by me through the test of time. I miss you all sooooooo
much!
With all my
sincerity,
Frances Carmille E.
Alpuerto
12 October 2012 at
11:54 P.M.
